by John MacBeath Watkins
On July 25, 2014, ESPN host Stephen Smith brought an uproar on his head with the comment that women should not "provoke" men to anger, shifting the blame for domestic violence.
And he was quite properly pilloried for the comment. There is no excuse for beating your mate. Shifting the blame from men to women is wrong, not just because it's blaming the victim, but because blame is not a useful framework for solving the problem.
Because there is another issue here. The consistent narrative about domestic violence is that the problem is demonic males
, and the solution is controlling those demons.This seems obvious from the fact that most people hurt in domestic violence incidents are women.
Logically, the real hell should be two men living together.
And, in fact, according to a Centers for Disease Control study,
gay men report that 26% have, in their lifetimes, been subject to violence from a domestic partner. That's a shockingly high number. But it's not the highest number. For lesbians, the figure is 44%. For straight couples the figure was 29% for men, 35% for women.
This is the opposite of the expected result. The more women are involved in a relationship, the more violent that relationship becomes. It is an astounding, disturbing result that has received far too little attention.
Now, there are several possible explanations for this. It could be that women are more likely to report having been hit. This is possible, but I submit that this is not about police reports, these people participated in a survey that allowed them anonymity. I believe the numbers. In any case, why would straight men be more eager to report domestic violence than gay men? And why would lesbians be more eager to report than straight women?
Another possibility is that men are beating up lesbians. After all, not all lesbians start out in lesbian relationships. I'm sure that happens, but a psychologist I know told me years ago that a deplorable amount of domestic violence happens in lesbian couples.
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.There are other possibilities. Some people fight with their mate as a prelude to sex. I've never understood that one, but I know it exists.
Maybe there is something wrong with the CDC's sampling or the wording of their questions, but I doubt it. I do think the survey opens a window on a deeply emotional issue, and may even point a way to making peoples' lives less violent.
There is a more disquieting possibility, that women are more subject to violence because they are seen as more vulnerable, even by other women. That would be a more intractable problem. It would also fail to explain why straight men report being hit more than gay men.
If this is the problem, the solution would be to decrease the perception of female vulnerability, a rather difficult bit of cultural engineering.
It is possible that what we are teaching women in our culture about conflict resolution is working badly, especially when dealing with other women.
That is an intriguing possibility, because if conflict resolution styles is a problem, teaching better techniques could benefit any couple having this problem. You'd have to teach both parties, and not everyone would be willing, but lesbian, straight or gay, you'd be better off.
There are a number of stereotypes about this. The woman who enforces her will with a rolling pin. The woman who won't tell the guy what he's done wrong, but expects him to know, for example. I know nothing about the validity of the stereotypes, and I doubt that's the sort of thing that leads to most domestic violence, but having never been involved in domestic violence, I don't know what problems lead to it from personal experience. Is it score settling? Naked competition for power within the relationship?
I don't know, but someone must find out.
We'd have to open our minds to a new approach. I would suggest teaching kids conflict resolution, before their patterns are set. You could ask them what they would do in certain circumstances, and what would likely result, and explore alternatives. If 26% of those in all-male relationships are subject to domestic violence, it's clear men need this. If 44% of women in all-female relationships are subject ot domestic violence, women could use it even more.
Part of the problem with the notion of demonic males is that it focused on who was to blame, just as the problem with what Mr. Smith said was its focus on shifting blame. If we shift the focus to how to resolve domestic conflicts without violence, everyone could benefit. After all, most couples of all types manage to avoid violence.